Friday

I can never keep the order of the states of grief straight. Today, I'm just sort of numb. Our dog trainer stopped by with some Kongs, 50% of which are useless to me know as they are too small for the boys. Deus and Xander were happy to see her ... she always comes bearing treats.

Yesterday, she advised me to sit down and talk with the dogs about what happened, swearing they might understand. So I gave it a try. They've been pretty consistent today. Don't want to go outside without me, though. Poor babies. I gave them a treat in a Kong before Debby arrived. They knawed individually for awhile, then Xander collected them in a pile. He sat on one and chewed on the other. I took it off him and gave it to Deus -- the little idiot took it again. I guess he's asserting some take-charge attitude. We'll see what happens.

I'm supposed to go shopping for my friend's baby shower gift this afternoon. I think I'd prefer to stay home and watch Buffy videos. I know which is the healthier option. Sigh.

Kitties are doing good. Simon keeps laying on Mona's bed. Deus has been sleeping in the spot he shared with her at night -- he slept in it when she was on the bed. Deus has also been getting on the couch more frequently.

I think the most difficult thing for me is reliving the final moments. Mona was struggling against the injection and then -- poof -- it was over. Part of me feels like she was telling me she wanted to live, but I know she couldn't breathe and that had to be taking a toll on her. I keep trying to remember if I held her right or said the right things so the last thing she knew was my voice and I can't remember. I can't remember. Eleven years and I just don't know if I let her go right.

Sigh.