Life Goes On ...

Sigh. Went to see Dolly Parton the other night and she sang this really really sad song about a poor little neglected girl and her little doggie. The last few lines were about God taking them both together so the little girl wouldn't be lonely in heaven. I just cried buckets over that song. I barely caught the rest of the show. I kept thinking that Mona might be lonely in heaven and that's not a happy thought place to go.

There is still no sense of back to normal. I think I'm deliberately resisting it. Our grocery shopping is off, our cleaning, everything.

I've stopped thinking about putting puppy pads down now when we go to leave the house, but I still look for her when I come back home. There's the big moment of gulping.

The boys are doing okay. Still very clingy and out of sorts a bit. They don't play in the back yard.

Ashes, Ashes, We All fall Down

Mona's ashes have been ready since last Friday. I don't want to go and get them. Ledcat is forcing me to go on Friday. She's afraid they'll somehow get thrown out. I'm afraid to cry some more.

Me 'n the boys had some fun time outside tonight. I was able to park behind the house and came in the back gate. They were outside with Ledcat "helping" to cook dinner on the grill. Xander likes to play a run back and forth game. Deus prefers to watch. Then I had them so interested in a tennis ball, that I forgot I was wearing work clothes and wiped my muddy, drool covered hands on my nice pants. Ah, well. It was fun. They both ate rather quickly. Xander is under my desk right now and Deus is laying on his dog bed. He's afraid of the new steps to the attic.

I'm so glad they have each other. I can't imagine having one dog left behind, especially as there was no good-bye.

Mona is everywhere in my life. She's my computer wallpaper at work and home. She's my icon on gmail and Facebook. She's everything.

I just want to fill this hole in my heart. With anything. Just something.

Sweeping Mona Away

I miss Mona. I told the whole story to my therapist today and didn't cry. Almost, but not quite. She kept asking me questions until I put an end to the conversation.

Things haven't changed a bit around here. Amadeus and Alexander are still behaving the same. They lay together most of the time and Xander still tears through the house looking for her.

I have to get my car detailed. I may have to help transport some of the children at work and I need to make the car a bit more .. well, clean. That means all of Mona's traces will be removed. It feels like I'm erasing her. Irrational, perhaps.

Plus, her ashes are in at the vet's office. I don't want to get them. I'm just too sad to cry.

Continuing

I worked really hard today .. I almost forgot lunch so-hard ... trying not to think that tomorrow is a one week anniversary. I guess I just blew that, huh?

Coming home is so lonely even though we have a host of other pets. I open the door, pick up the mail, check the voice mail and just go through those motions. A big part is missing. But what continues to kill me the most is Xander racing through the house looking for her. I just can't make him understand. His behavior has changed ... he sleeps up against his brother when we watch television, even though the spot underneath my feet is fully available. He's very clingy to Deus.

Another hard part is flashing back to the final moments. She struggled and it hurts me that maybe she wanted to live and I made that choice for her. Then leaving her body behind ... oh my god, that was horrid. I would have stayed all night if Ledcat allowed me.

I hope I did the right thing.