CELEBRATE

Mona gained almost 4 lbs in two weeks! Yahoo. She had dropped half a pound prior to that, so I've been feeding her a lot of good stuff to keep her appetite stimulated (and keep her busy during the day).

I was so happy. I've been down and out the past few days. Deus was sick on Weds, Mona got sick early this morning. Nothing like dog vomit in the bedroom to start your days off right. Then I got the call from the vet that the chemo doctor was there and I needed to get there ASAP. Thankfully, to day I felt well enough to shower and put on fresh clothing. I gave Mona a treat to keep her busy and she promptly dropped it into the little space between the seat and the door. Then, she whined piteously for me to stop and retrieve it for her. Ha.

So the good news about her weight and the vet's pronouncement that she's in full remission makes me very happy. My retrieval of her bone made Miss Mona very happy. She'll probably spend the rest of the day asleep which is okay with me.

Ledcat told me this morning that it bothers her when I make droll comments about Mona's impending death. I don't want to upset her so I'll try to stop. But sometimes dark humor helps me cope. Last night, I was dragging her away from the cat food and said "You are dying and cat food won't help." Ledcat thought that was unnecessary. I can see her point of view, but it feels less horrid if I can make some jokes about it. Mind you, I'm doing everything possible to keep her alive -- chemo, lots of veggies and wholesome foods, lots of love and a real belief that she is going to battle this thing right to the end.

But there will be an end. And from all accounts, it won't be pretty or quiet or peaceful. She'll go downhill and I'll have to know when her quality of life is impaired beyond what's fair or decent. There's no objective measure to that and it scares me so.

It scares me, so ...

Tomorrow

Well, I'm annoyed. I think Mona has another chemo treatment tomorrow, but my vet didn't give me a reminder call so I'm not 100% sure. I am irrationally angry about this. I've been home sick for two days and don't feel any better. I know my Mona sadness is part of the problem. I cooked her chicken for dinner tonight. She spent most of the day on the sofa with me. I hope she enjoyed it.

It is hard to walk through a loss with someone else. My way of coping isn't the same as Ledcat's way of coping. I want to talk forward and she most decidedly does not.

I couldn't get through this without her.

I'm sick of it all ...

Sunday evening, Ledcat and I went to see The Savages, one of those sad and uplifting movies about coping with aging parents. I was fine until the very last scene involving a dog (a good scene, don't worry) when I broke into a frenzy of sobs. This character saved the dog and I just wanted to cry because I'm not sure I can do the same thing for my Mona.

Today, Simon went to the vet for what appears to be allergies. I'm so sick of the vet. I'm sick of the drive and the tedious traffic and the poor line of site to make a left turn from the parking lot. I'm sick of waiting. I'm sick of obsessing over every single bite she eats and worrying about any abnormal sound she makes.

My freezer is filled with green veggies, my 'crisper' is packed with lunch meat and carrots, apples are rolling around the counter. I chop and measure and stir. I caress and stroke and comfort. Then I see another dog survive disease - in a movie- and I fall apart.

I feel so guilty for being miserable. She's happy and playful and hungry. She can jump on the bed and take the tennis ball off her brothers. She has a good quality of life. So why do I feel so angry?

This is our by week

Mona gets a week to rest. No chemo for her until next Friday. She celebrated by chewing a hole in the blanket she sleeps on and eating 100% of the treats I left to keep her fattened up. She hasn't polished off her treats in days.

Her eating patterns have turned a bit to grazing. She ate about 1/2 of her supper (dog food and green beans), but she's back out there now chowing down on dog food about 4 hours later. I was never big on free feeding b/c of housebreaking, but I'm totally into it with her. If she eats, I'm happy.

Her disposition has been good. She's playful and energetic. Ledcat says she woke her up when she walked in the door. She gives you this sleepy eyed look as if she doesn't know who you are. Meanwhile, her tail is beating a million times a minute. Some watch dog. Thank god for her brother and the ever vigilant kitties.

I'm going to continue trying to pack on the pounds in a healthy way for Miss Mona. Gonna grill up some chicken to stuff in her kong now that the turkey is gone. She loves chicken.

Speaking of Kongs, my friend is putting in another round of orders and I'm debating what to get. Ledcat thinks we have enough of "those gross things" as she puts it. I like sales. And they do get kind of stretched out with giant monster dogs sucking on them. Nothing in this world is as disgusting as a 125 lb dog nursing a XXL Kong like a pacifier. Ick.

We plan to hang out a bit this weekend so Miss Mona should get plenty of TLC. I even bought her a new fleece blanket at Penneys tonight.

Another Dog Poop Post

Mona's poop has turned green.

Dog owners spend a lot of time talking about poop. The woofers can't tell us what's going on so we have to look for cues and poop is a great source of information. I always look at it and compare it and monitor it.

So it was green today. Well, more "greenish" than actual green. I'm not sure what that means. Too much on the green veggies?

Mona ate a decent breakfast this morning even though she really does prefer green veggies to the yogurt/canned dog food mixture. She had a Kong with cream cheese, turkey, a teaspoon of wet cat food and a carrot. She also had a prepackaged gnawing bone as a treat. Both were consumed during the day. I got home a bit early and she was anxious for her dinner (dog food with brocolli). They ate all three bowls in about 7 minutes around 5:00 PM. I watched her eat so I know she got a full serving, but she was whining a few minutes ago and licking the bowl. So I put out some more dry food and she crunched a few mouthfuls.

Her behavior is very typical .. playful, watchful. For the first time in weeks, she's gone into her little corner to curl up in a ball. She loves snow, but only in the daylight.

Essentially, another uneventful day filled with precious moments I want to keep close to my heart forever. Mona rolling on her back for stomach rubs. Mona curling up with her head on my leg. Mona nipping at her brothers in the backyard. Mona skittering around after me as I change the laundry.

How do you drink in enough of those moments to sustain you through the bad times? It dawns on me today that I'm plowing so much energy into Mona that I'm sacrificing time with the other critters. That's not a satisfactory trade off.

Ruminating ...

Pack On the Pounds

Mona went in for another round of chemo on Friday. I had to drop her off while I was at work so I sent her with a Kong to keep her busy. Everything went fine. The vet didn't admit it, but I discovered she had barked the entire day -- she was completely hoarse. Her bloodwork is good so far.

However, she did lost a half a pound. So I've ramped up her food intake .... tons of green veggies and two Kongs every time we leave the house. She's being finicky about the Kongs. I usually stuff them with her chicken strips, a few biscuits and some cream cheese. Now I mix a teaspoon of wet catfood into the cream cheese, just to get her going. Today, she got a few carrots and a piece of turkey lunch meat. She had green beans for breakfast. Dinner featured lima beans and green beans. She inhaled them. She loves green veggies more than the canned dog food. I am not exaggerating.

I also bought some store treats for her to have at the vet this coming Friday. I figure the tradeoff of her making herself hoarse is not acceptable, especially if she isn't going to take an interest in the Kong.

Her weekend was better than last. She was energetic and playful. She got a few car rides -- she rolled with me to help Ledcat drop off her car at the shop and then again Saturday night when we had to go back to the Southside to pick up Ledcat's glasses. She was tussling with her brothers and completely underfood during Xmas Tree Take Down 2008. It was great.

Today, she's been perky. We had chicken for dinner so she was very attentive to that. I diced up the last few bites and mixed in with her remaining dry food to get her to eat. Sometimes I feel bad when she doesn't polish off the same dinner as her siblings, then I remember that they weight three times as much as she does.

Our freezer is packed to the gills with bags of frozen green veggies. I meant to get some spinach to try. The lima beans were like candy. Deus and Xander were scooting all over the floor to scarf up the few that I dropped.

I have a lot invested in the veggies. Not money, but hope. I tell myself that if I can keep her eating well, we are winning. Those green guys are warriors in our cancer battle. I've got my mind set on her making up that lost half pound this week. The good thing is that she is eating and she hasn't had any problems with diarrhea or vomiting at all.

And it gives me something immediate that I can focus on --- a sense of control. I'll spend half an hour preparing her dinner if I get the payoff of her eating 3/4 of it. I can't see the chemo working and it scares me anyway to think of her poor body struggling with it. I can see the impact of the veggies - her allergies aren't as severe, her poop is ... interesting. :-)

Today, I was thrilled to come home and discover that she had burst through the babygate, broke into the cat litter box and left me a big steaming pile of poop on the attic floor, a pile that Ledcat left for me. Ha. I was happy to clean it up b/c that's Mona behavior we haven't seen in a few weeks.

In other pet news, the boys have been doing good. They both seem to have this allergy thing going on -- some coughing and wheezing. I dosed 'em with Benadryl and its better. They, too, love the green veggies. Deus has two more weeks of post-operative recovery until he can begin exercising again so the extra bulk in his diet is good. Kitties are good. Simon needs a nail trim (ouch). He tried to eat a lima bean tonight, but Mona took it from him.

So that's it for tonight.

Squeaky Girl

Mona is laying on our new entryway throw rug squeaking her new tennis ball. She ate a good breakfast and dinner. Had some carrots in her Kong. She did manage to poop over 5 separate puppy pads without overflowing onto the bathroom floor. I'm both impressed and appreciative.

Her energy level is good, but she has been a bit whiny. I don't see any source of discomfort so I hope there's nothing internal going on. She goes in for her third chemotherapy treatment tomorrow. I have to drop her off in the AM. I hate leaving her there all day, but the upside is that she'll have puh-lenty of human company. I'm sending her with a doggie bag. :-)

The rest of the crew is doing well. The boys apparently have allergies. I hope it isn't a cat allergy cause that kind of irony we don't need. :-)